Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy’

My Nuchal scan phobia

December 2006 I was pregnant with my second baby.  I’d taken my time having fallen so easily with my first at 34.  He had been such a happy baby I wanted to enjoy every minute.  I like to control things.  I am a perfectionist.  There would be 2.5 years between them and I had avoided being heavily pregnant in the height of summer as I was with S.  Having had such an easy pregnancy with S, I was happy and worry free when I went to my Nuchal scan on New Years Eve.  The scan showed that the baby had died at about 11 weeks.  It came as a big shock and I lost my pregnancy innocense for ever.  Pathology showed a little girl with normal chromosomes.  Miscarriage was unexplained.

I had a D&C that day and amidst all the emotion I can remember my Dad sitting next to me while I waited for the procedure.  We were watching the aftermath of the Boxing Day Tsunami in Thailand on TV and he said ‘I guess there are worse things Love’  He was right, but at the time my emotions said otherwise.

It took a few months after that to conceive my second child N.  In February Dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer which hit me like a sledge hammer.  This gave TTC a new urgency and the 5 months it took seemed like a lifetime. 

I went for every test under the sun during those first anxious weeks and once again I had a trouble free pregnancy with a gorgeous little boy to show for it.

When the time came for my Nuchal scan in August last year for baby #4, I was understandably nervous.  The Sonographer commented and I explained that I’d had bad news at this time before.  She reassured me and I can only imagine how bad she felt when she then had to break my heart again.  Thus my Nuchal Scan phobia remains firmly entrenched.  This time the baby had only just died.  It measured 12 weeks and 3 days and I was 12 weeks and 3 days that day.  Once again pathology gave me no answers.  All was normal.  It was a little Boy.

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What’s already happened.

Hubby and I decided last January that our family felt incomplete.  To be honest I know it feels more incomplete for me than for him.  He would happily go on as we are.  My Dad was battling secondary Pancreatic cancer and I knew that he would be with us for another year, if we were lucky.  I wanted to share the joy of a new baby with him too.  I was still breastfeeding my youngest who was 13months but I knew that as I’d turned 40 I couldn’t hang around.  Due to my baby’s dairy allergy I had become Vegan (I have been Vegetarian for 23 years) and I knew that my health was suffering.  So at 15months I weaned and in April 2007 TTC began in earnest.  The first month (half breastfeeding) we had no luck and then tragically my Dad died on May 14th.

Losing Dad was devastating.  I knew he had terminal cancer and I knew he would die but ultimately he died from his treatment and that was a huge shock.  But that’s another story.  I adored him.  He was my best friend and the grief I experienced was like nothing else.  When I think back on that time, I still catch my breath.

Somehow amidst all that pain, three days later I thought to take an OPK and it was positive.  Hubby and I DTD in a less than ideal frame of mind but did it none the less.  I still don’t quite know how we managed it.  8 days later I felt queasy eating my toast so I did a test.  It was positive.

So, at the age of 40 during the most stressful time of my life I had sex once and got pregnant.  But alas it was not to be…..