Posts Tagged ‘miscarriage’

My final fling

I am about to start my final bid.  I will hopefully see my FS sometime this week for a protocol.

It’s been two months since I lost the twins and I’m only just back to ‘normal’.  I miscarried naturally but ended up in emergency with one of the foetuses trapped in my cervix.  It was excruciating but as soon as they worked out what the problem was some forceps solved it instantaneously.  I’d spent about 4 hrs in the bath prior to that point with contractions every 2 minutes and apparently my cervix wasn’t even dilated.  Thank goodness for the ER!

The following month was an emotional one mainly due to the drop in hormones.  I was very teary and depressed although it focused on the loss of my Dad two years previously rather than the twins.

Now I feel good to go – despite the fact that I’ve stacked on some kilos, although I feel sure all this hormonal messing with myself is contributing to that.  When I find out what I’m doing I will let you know.  Wish me luck!

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And we start over…

I brought my Ob appointment forward to Monday.  Something ‘shifted’ on Sunday.  The fatigue lifted, as did the vague nausea and I no longer had any breast tenderness.

The US, first abdominal, then vaginal, then abdominal revealed that Twin B has also died.  No obvious cause. I’m thinking of miscarrying naturally in case a D&C will further compromise my uterus.  To date nothing at all is happening.  I don’t even have any cramping.  My Ob said it could take some time but if I find the wait too hard, to call him and he will schedule a procedure.

Emotionally I am fine.  I haven’t shed so much as a tear.  I did that already.

My plan – today – is to try ONE LAST TIME.  I will possibly do IVF so that the best embryo can be selected and now that we know Oestrogen is the answer to my lining issue I think I stand a very good chance of getting pregnant again.  As for staying pregnant – well that remains to be seen.

Always trust your gut.. (8w1d)

I went to my Ob on Tuesday.  I had to wait an hour and a half to get in.  My bladder was bursting – and that was after going three times ‘to let a bit out’.  By the time I got in I had no doubt it would be bad news and told him so.  He said he hoped ‘it wouldn’t be another character building exercise’.  Immediately on the scan I saw Twin A quite a bit larger and clearer than at the scan I’d had 5 days before but it was equally clear that there was no heartbeat.  He measured 7w1d.  In the background, quite a bit smaller was Twin B who strangely was still with us.  His heartbeat had dropped to 100bpm and he still measured 6w1d.  The mood swing I had had on Saturday combined with the cramping made sense now.

I felt so relieved to finally ‘know’ The bad news was so much easier to bear than the dread of it.

So now I wait.  To see if a miracle happens and baby B pulls through.  The odds are not in his favour and now, 4 days later I have no sign that he has made it other than my lack of bleeding.  Given my two previous miscarriages at later dates with no bleeding this offers me little comfort.

For the sake of my sanity I will call on Monday to try to bring my appointment forward

What a Rollercoaster

I thought that the best way to deal with my ‘lack’ of symptoms and set things to rest was to go for a scan.  My GP gave me a referral but I couldn’t get in for two weeks!  By then I would have seen my Ob and it would be unnecessary.  I finally found a place – at the back of beyond – that could do it for me last Thursday.  The day of the scan I was so nervous and quite queasy (Yay!).  When she positioned the screen so I could see what was going on I almost looked away.

After a bit of fumbling she said “We have two sacs” and then ” We have two babies”  I was very taken aback.  Who is pregnant with twins for fuck’s sake and has NO symptoms!!!  She did find a heartbeat for both Baby A was 142bpm and Baby B 139bpm.  

A bit about foetal heart rates:

Normal heart rate at 6 weeks is 90-113 bpm and at 9 weeks is 144-170 bpm. At 5-8 weeks a bradycardia (<90 bpm) is associated with a high risk of spontaneous abortion of some 80%.

I was briefly excited and so very very surprised.  Then she said they were measuring 6weeks 3 days.

I came crashing down.

I knew without shadow of a doubt that I was 7 weeks 3 days.  Something was wrong just as I suspected.  My btetas – previously high for a single – were now low for twins and the reduced doubling rate couldn’t be explained away by the higher numbers.

I have had many reassurances that it’s common to measure behind and sometimes the scan is inaccurate but I know today that all is lost.  Since the scan I once again have had a loss of all symptoms.  My breasts are barely tender.  I have no nausea and most telling of all no full feeling in my uterus.  At 8 weeks tomorrow and pregnant with twins I would have to feel something somewhere.  My pants feel looser today. 

The Ob is on Tuesday.  I feel strongly that the appointment will be to organise a D&C.

I am already planning my next move – it’s the only way I know to get through.  If DH agrees I will give one more shot with IVF where the best Embryos can be selected.  Hopefully the D&C will help to rectify my uterine lining issues as it was suggested as a possible fix a year ago.

 I can only expect the worst and hope for the best either way.

I would so love to have had twins 😦

Silver Lining

Well it looks like it’s all over.  I haven’t felt comfortable with this pregnancy since I found out about it because it was so vague.  Late symptoms and low Beta – 54.  I tried to rationalise that it may be a ‘late implanter’ but I suspect that the line I got at 8dpo after the time limit was not an evap after all.

img_4933 This morning I feel ‘normal’ and my temp is dropping so it looks like it’s over.  I am OK.  I have my silver lining – I CAN GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN!

So it’s  back to the drawing board – with my new friend Estrogen of course 🙂  And hopefully the new year will bring us something nice.

Not good – 3dp5dt

I woke up at 4:30am this morning and balled my eyes out.  I felt teary before I went to bed, but this was full on sadness.  I know I’m not pregnant and given the quality of the embryo it confirms that my uterus is to blame.  I should have trusted myself and ignored the doctors six months ago and had things looked at.  I guess after two Caesareans and two D&C’s after 12 weeks pregnancy, it’s taken quite a hammering.  Now I just feel tired … and sad, and I miss my Dad.  I must confess that I didn’t realise it would hit me this hard.  I’m gutted, although I’m sure the Crinone is playing it’s part.   I literally felt the moment when it all failed – just like I have several other months.  The two days after transfer I felt incredibly tired.  I had to nap each afternoon and I felt the ‘full’ feeling in my uterus I remember from previous pregnancies.  I could feel the hormone crash start last night when I wnt to bed and it hit me full on in the early hours.  This morning my uterus feels back to normal – as do I.  The IVF did nothing other than reassure me that my eggs are not to blame.  It got me no closer at all.  Each month -8dpo- I know it’s over.

It all makes me stop and think about women that do this for years in pursuit of their first child.  I am totally in awe. Their strength and courage is amazing.  

I will phone my Obgyn today for an appointment.  I want an HSG.  I have to give my frosties a fighting chance after all.  If only I’d done this first and refused to listen to the ‘old egg’ argument.

My Nuchal scan phobia

December 2006 I was pregnant with my second baby.  I’d taken my time having fallen so easily with my first at 34.  He had been such a happy baby I wanted to enjoy every minute.  I like to control things.  I am a perfectionist.  There would be 2.5 years between them and I had avoided being heavily pregnant in the height of summer as I was with S.  Having had such an easy pregnancy with S, I was happy and worry free when I went to my Nuchal scan on New Years Eve.  The scan showed that the baby had died at about 11 weeks.  It came as a big shock and I lost my pregnancy innocense for ever.  Pathology showed a little girl with normal chromosomes.  Miscarriage was unexplained.

I had a D&C that day and amidst all the emotion I can remember my Dad sitting next to me while I waited for the procedure.  We were watching the aftermath of the Boxing Day Tsunami in Thailand on TV and he said ‘I guess there are worse things Love’  He was right, but at the time my emotions said otherwise.

It took a few months after that to conceive my second child N.  In February Dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer which hit me like a sledge hammer.  This gave TTC a new urgency and the 5 months it took seemed like a lifetime. 

I went for every test under the sun during those first anxious weeks and once again I had a trouble free pregnancy with a gorgeous little boy to show for it.

When the time came for my Nuchal scan in August last year for baby #4, I was understandably nervous.  The Sonographer commented and I explained that I’d had bad news at this time before.  She reassured me and I can only imagine how bad she felt when she then had to break my heart again.  Thus my Nuchal Scan phobia remains firmly entrenched.  This time the baby had only just died.  It measured 12 weeks and 3 days and I was 12 weeks and 3 days that day.  Once again pathology gave me no answers.  All was normal.  It was a little Boy.