Archive for the ‘General’ Category

What’s already happened.

Hubby and I decided last January that our family felt incomplete.  To be honest I know it feels more incomplete for me than for him.  He would happily go on as we are.  My Dad was battling secondary Pancreatic cancer and I knew that he would be with us for another year, if we were lucky.  I wanted to share the joy of a new baby with him too.  I was still breastfeeding my youngest who was 13months but I knew that as I’d turned 40 I couldn’t hang around.  Due to my baby’s dairy allergy I had become Vegan (I have been Vegetarian for 23 years) and I knew that my health was suffering.  So at 15months I weaned and in April 2007 TTC began in earnest.  The first month (half breastfeeding) we had no luck and then tragically my Dad died on May 14th.

Losing Dad was devastating.  I knew he had terminal cancer and I knew he would die but ultimately he died from his treatment and that was a huge shock.  But that’s another story.  I adored him.  He was my best friend and the grief I experienced was like nothing else.  When I think back on that time, I still catch my breath.

Somehow amidst all that pain, three days later I thought to take an OPK and it was positive.  Hubby and I DTD in a less than ideal frame of mind but did it none the less.  I still don’t quite know how we managed it.  8 days later I felt queasy eating my toast so I did a test.  It was positive.

So, at the age of 40 during the most stressful time of my life I had sex once and got pregnant.  But alas it was not to be…..

Getting to this point.

Doing IVF is a big deal.  Doing it at 41, some would say, is crazy – especially if you already have children.  But here I am doing exactly that.  This is not a decision we have reached lightly and if you’d asked me 18 months ago about the prospect, I would have scoffed at the thought.  But back then I hadn’t lost my darling Dad to cancer.  I hadn’t lost my fourth baby at 12weeks and three days.  I hadn’t spent months trying to fill a new void in my life, and failing.  Having worked through the past year and all the awful emotions it contained I feel I’ve emerged a different person.  I feel overwhelmingly that life is short and we should give it our all.  To that end I’m trying  to fulfill our dream of having a third child and our IVF journey has begun.

One of the hardest parts of this has been the feeling of being undeserving.  The feeling that we should be happy with the children we have already.  But is is those two dear boys that make me want this more.  Being older parents I know that we will die when they still need us.  I want them to have family when we go.  But mostly I am addicted to the joy that they bring me.  How can I pass up the opportunity to experience that one more time?