Archive for October, 2008

Back to normal

Today I tested although I knew the result would be BFN – which is was.  I am so completely back to normal that I harbour no illusions that it is ‘just too early’  I feel quite excited at the prospect of a month off for the first time since January ’07, although it will be a month with some sort of procedure included I’m sure.  I summed up my options with my good friend D this morning:

  • See Dr M to set in motion the FET for December
  • Wait to see Dr T on Nov 7th which is a bit late if I do a D&C assuming Dr T’s estrogen receptor theory from 6 months ago
  • See D’s boss, Dr S for a second opinion and D&C although she will get me a second opinion anyway because he’s a good guy 🙂
  • Do another stim cycle in a month
  • Ask for estrogen for either the stim or the FET
  • Arrange an HSG – although it would be unlikely to get a 9mm lining with adhesions
  • See Dr M for him to get me in earlier with Dr T- oh lordy

My feeling is still that my lining is to blame.  I realise that it shouldn’t be expected for IVF to work immediately but the way in which I felt it fail adds evidence that the embryo is not at fault.  I have no doubt that for two days I was actually pregnant and the embryo was implanting.  I had the pregnancy fatigue.  The sort that makes you feel drugged, not just that you had a late night.  Then, suddenly, it lifted, I crashed and now completely normal.  No more full feeling, no more frequent urination, no more tender boobs, no more hope.

I have moments of clarity like this often, and then I listen to people, and I get sucked in, and I waste time.  No more!  I’m going to trust my gut and get this thing sorted.  I’m going to get me a baby!!!

I also have to consider the finances.  If I squeeze another cycle in this year I will be over the safety net and potentially save myslf about $1500.  Either way I have no time to waste.

Hormonal ramblings – 4dp5dt

Hmmmm.  Maybe a bit of an overreaction yesterday (insert blushing emoticon here)  I must be hormonal – go figure.  Although, in my defense I’ve never been wrong before.  But still, I am holding on to a thin thread of hope.  Mind you I’d bite your head off as quick as look at you today so that doesn’t bode well 🙂

It’s booked

My appointment is on the 7th November but I’ll try to see if I can get an earlier cancellation.  I figure I have a month off before the earliest I can do my FET.  Time enough to have another D&C if necessary.   I may as well do something proactive.  

I feel better already, kind of calm and accepting and, as always, eternally grateful for what I already have!!!!!

Not good – 3dp5dt

I woke up at 4:30am this morning and balled my eyes out.  I felt teary before I went to bed, but this was full on sadness.  I know I’m not pregnant and given the quality of the embryo it confirms that my uterus is to blame.  I should have trusted myself and ignored the doctors six months ago and had things looked at.  I guess after two Caesareans and two D&C’s after 12 weeks pregnancy, it’s taken quite a hammering.  Now I just feel tired … and sad, and I miss my Dad.  I must confess that I didn’t realise it would hit me this hard.  I’m gutted, although I’m sure the Crinone is playing it’s part.   I literally felt the moment when it all failed – just like I have several other months.  The two days after transfer I felt incredibly tired.  I had to nap each afternoon and I felt the ‘full’ feeling in my uterus I remember from previous pregnancies.  I could feel the hormone crash start last night when I wnt to bed and it hit me full on in the early hours.  This morning my uterus feels back to normal – as do I.  The IVF did nothing other than reassure me that my eggs are not to blame.  It got me no closer at all.  Each month -8dpo- I know it’s over.

It all makes me stop and think about women that do this for years in pursuit of their first child.  I am totally in awe. Their strength and courage is amazing.  

I will phone my Obgyn today for an appointment.  I want an HSG.  I have to give my frosties a fighting chance after all.  If only I’d done this first and refused to listen to the ‘old egg’ argument.

Self preservation.

I am a negative Nelly.  Not a test – I’m not that crazy although the thought did occur to me, but this morning I feel very pessimistic.  Also, as anticipated I now wish I’d made them transfer two.  I’ve already decided that if I do a FET I want both thawed and transferred and I want some Estrogen!!!  I don’t feel I can move on with those little frosties in the wings…

Well, it’s done.

My day started really well.  Mum came and picked the boys up – it’s school holidays – and then I went to Acupuncture.  I could really feel things happening.  Then it was off to my transfer.  I got a parking spot right out the front which never happens.  They kept me waiting for a while.  I spoke to the Embryologist who said they now had a front runner – an expanded blastocyst – that they had chosen to transfer.  The other little fella will be frozen today and his mate tomorrow if he makes it to blast.

A bit more of a wait and I went in.  I was the only transfer they had this afternoon so things were pretty relaxed.  Dr M is sooo good at what he does I barely felt uncomfortable.  A bit of a wait once they put the catheter in and it was all over.  I stayed lying down for half an hour then I was on my way.  Next stop Acupuncture again for another 45 minutes lying down.

I came home, had something to eat and (shock horror) fell asleep.

The wait begins!!

Decisions, decisions…

I spoke to Embryology and my transfer is booked for 11:15am tomorrow.  Now I am really agonising over how many to ask to be transferred.  My Dr will likely want only one but given my ‘lining issues’ I can’t see how this is increasing my chances.  Having said that if one works there is all likelihood both would and given my miscarriage history I don’t want to jeopardise things there either.  It is a really tough decision.

I think I will go with one.

I have Acupuncture booked for before and afterwards.  Here we go….