Getting to this point.

Doing IVF is a big deal.  Doing it at 41, some would say, is crazy – especially if you already have children.  But here I am doing exactly that.  This is not a decision we have reached lightly and if you’d asked me 18 months ago about the prospect, I would have scoffed at the thought.  But back then I hadn’t lost my darling Dad to cancer.  I hadn’t lost my fourth baby at 12weeks and three days.  I hadn’t spent months trying to fill a new void in my life, and failing.  Having worked through the past year and all the awful emotions it contained I feel I’ve emerged a different person.  I feel overwhelmingly that life is short and we should give it our all.  To that end I’m trying  to fulfill our dream of having a third child and our IVF journey has begun.

One of the hardest parts of this has been the feeling of being undeserving.  The feeling that we should be happy with the children we have already.  But is is those two dear boys that make me want this more.  Being older parents I know that we will die when they still need us.  I want them to have family when we go.  But mostly I am addicted to the joy that they bring me.  How can I pass up the opportunity to experience that one more time?

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