Decidedly lacklustre…

That’s me, as I start TTC cycle #36, I think. I am doing injectables and timed intercourse. My bulk pack of OPK’s and HPT’s are winging their way to me as I type and I start Estrogen and Gonal-F tomorrow.

I don’t feel excited though. It’s more a question of ‘I hope I remember to do it all’ and I really think that this is me getting ready to throw in the towel.
Which is a good thing.

Life’s too short and I’ve invested heavily time wise already. I think I’m almost there.

At that point, when it really is okay to be done.

I would never say that you can decide it though.

It really does just happen – says she – who’s about to start all over for another month! Lol!!

Nearly ‘d’ day

D for decision of course.

Estrogen 6200 (US 1676).  I guess at least it hasn’t gone down.

Tomorrow I have a scan and blood test so I will make my decision then.

Is there light?

Estrogen today is 6000 (US 1621).  It’s stim day 8.

Tomorrow I am to drop the Gonal-F to 300iu.

Orgalutran again today.

Stim day 6 today

Update on Stim day 5.  Driving in rush hour, a journey that would normally take 12 minutes is now taking 30.  I hear my horoscope on the radio: “Aquarius will see a reversal of previous negative trends”.  Hmmm.

I had my ultrasound which was with Dear Dr M who is sooo competent and lovely.  He found both ovaries immediately and he said he could see two follicles measuring about 10mm on my left with ‘a couple others ‘ coming and on my right there was one 10mm ‘with a couple of others coming.  I am holding my breath!!!

Later I get my E2.  It is 2900 (U.S 783)

Dare I hope for 6????? Pleeeeease!!!!!

Today, stim day 6 (cd7) I’m still feeling great.  Tomorrow is another US and blood test so I will let you know the outcome.  Fingers crossed.

IVF cancelled

Again I’m up early and I must say completely without emotion.  I feel neither negative nor optimistic as I drive to the hospital and wonder about this place I now go regularly where I am completely detached.  I wonder if people who have no children at all and suffer the disappointment of failed IVF have such a place.  The more I do this the more I feel for those less fortunate than me.

So I have my blood test at 7:30 and finally get my ultrasound at 8:20 despite being second on the list. I have the guy who couldn’t find my ovary during a femara cycle last year.  His technique has not improved.  He insists on sitting on the bed in front of my ‘bits’ which I find very disconcerting.  All other Dr’s stand next to the bed thus preserving the illusion of modesty but not this guy.  I almost felt like he was going to climb in.

He announces to the nurse two on the left at 25mm and 10mm and none on the right.  I say, ‘Well I had two on the right three days ago…’ He then finds my right ovary and discovers an 18 and a 15 – or so I recall.  He didn’t measure my lining and quite frankly I didn’t want him ‘in there’ any longer than necessary as he is down right uncomfortable!

I decide to phone the co-ordinator later that morning to get her opinion on what to do.  The notes she has say 20mm, 16mm and 2 x 10mm.  Wtf?

I ask to convert to a timed cycle which she says she is sure Dr T will agree to.  I’m not wasting all that money without definite numbers.

Later I get my Estrogen reading 3300 (U.S 892 ). Here they like 800-1000 per mature follicle so I’m guessing I definitely have 3 but maybe not quite 4 so cancelled the IVF.  I’ll trigger tonight and grab hubby tomorrow and Saturday.

Estrogen

Yesterdays estrogen was a surprising 1900 (U.S 513).  Another test today and possibly a scan tomorrow.  I picked up more Gonal-f and my trigger so I’m all set.  Hoping there are enough to bother with retrieval ( for me that means more than 3) which may be on the weekend at this rate I guess

And today’s is 2200 (U.S. 595 – I think.  I’m dividing by 3.71 but this could be completely incorrect)

I’ve also noted the lack of early monitoring with this clinic.  Especially when compared to those in the US.  I have never had an antral follicle count or a cd3 scan.  At my last scan they estimated follicle #2 at ‘maybe 7′ which led me to think that their equipment possibly can’t pick up anything smaller.  So today I asked and sure enough they can only detect follicles at around 8mm.  This doesn’t seem quite right to me….

It’s been a while…

Well, it goes without saying that nothing eventuated from my little experiment.  The following month I took a break from everything – well except for a little Vitex.  Does that count?  I couldn’t take nothing…

Today is cd2 of cycle 27.  This month I’m taking 225iu of Gonal-F for 7 – 10 days and the Estrogen.  I feel really good but I know it will mess with me.  We’re back on the bandwagon baby – and how!!

Ho Hum

This month I’ve decided to try Femara and Estrogen   Heaven forbid I do nothing after all.  I started Femara a day later than usual which seems to suit me better because it hasn’t brought my ovulation date forward at all.  I must say though I am ready for a wee break.  I get to see my new FS after I have had a month off so next month is a nothing.  He says that in his experience this dramatically affects success rates so I’m all for it.  I anticipate doing Gonal-F which will be cool – just increases my chances so to speak.  So I’m drumming my fingers here….  Saturday I turn 42.

Femara once again has been kind to me.  No side effects to speak of other than a thick head/headache in the mornings while I was taking it.  I ran out of OPK’s so I think I will ‘O’ tomorrow.  Then the 6ww for my FS.  How will I cope with no pills to pop? !!!  Of course I am only allowed to self- medicate because I am old and wise…..

Silver Lining

Well it looks like it’s all over.  I haven’t felt comfortable with this pregnancy since I found out about it because it was so vague.  Late symptoms and low Beta – 54.  I tried to rationalise that it may be a ‘late implanter’ but I suspect that the line I got at 8dpo after the time limit was not an evap after all.

This morning I feel ‘normal’ and my temp is dropping so it looks like it’s over.  I am OK.  I have my silver lining – I CAN GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN!

So it’s  back to the drawing board – with my new friend Estrogen of course   And hopefully the new year will bring us something nice.

Knock me over with a feather…

OK, so the FET was a big wash out and I was waiting for AF.  My temperature was still up, but of course,  that was just because I couldn’t pinpoint ovulation accurately thanks to the progesterone.  I let myself entertain the idea that I might be pregnant – Ha – just after shelling out $ooo’s for my failed IVF.  After all, this month I had finally got my Estrogen – at my requst – and it HAD got my lining to 12mm.  I’m sure you can imagine my reaction – or lack of  – when this happened:

I CAN NOT believe that I am pregnant!

I will be 42 next month.

We’re not out of the woods, of course, as my Beta was only 54 at 14dpo, but we have lift off.  And I have sooo many answers now, that if this fails, I will get straight back up again.  Bottom line Ladies is trust yourself.  You know far more about your body than any FS/RE.  Don’t be intimidated like I was and sit back assuming that they know best when your instinct tells you otherwise.  I am informed and knowledgeable and still got taken for a ride.  I dread to think how many girls are out there in the system going through the motions because they don’t know to question things.  Ultimately no-one is going to try as hard as you are to gt your baby.

At the end of the day my RE insisted that at 9mm my lining was fine.  I had to insist that for me a 36-48hr period (despite measuring 9mm) was not fine.  I insisted on the Estrogen and Voila!

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think my RE did it on purpose but ultimately he couldn’t get past my age and therefore didn’t try to ’solve’ my problem as to him the problem was being 41!!

I started back on Progesterone today just to b safe