My final fling

I am about to start my final bid.  I will hopefully see my FS sometime this week for a protocol.

It’s been two months since I lost the twins and I’m only just back to ‘normal’.  I miscarried naturally but ended up in emergency with one of the foetuses trapped in my cervix.  It was excruciating but as soon as they worked out what the problem was some forceps solved it instantaneously.  I’d spent about 4 hrs in the bath prior to that point with contractions every 2 minutes and apparently my cervix wasn’t even dilated.  Thank goodness for the ER!

The following month was an emotional one mainly due to the drop in hormones.  I was very teary and depressed although it focused on the loss of my Dad two years previously rather than the twins.

Now I feel good to go – despite the fact that I’ve stacked on some kilos, although I feel sure all this hormonal messing with myself is contributing to that.  When I find out what I’m doing I will let you know.  Wish me luck!

And we start over…

I brought my Ob appointment forward to Monday.  Something ’shifted’ on Sunday.  The fatigue lifted, as did the vague nausea and I no longer had any breast tenderness.

The US, first abdominal, then vaginal, then abdominal revealed that Twin B has also died.  No obvious cause. I’m thinking of miscarrying naturally in case a D&C will further compromise my uterus.  To date nothing at all is happening.  I don’t even have any cramping.  My Ob said it could take some time but if I find the wait too hard, to call him and he will schedule a procedure.

Emotionally I am fine.  I haven’t shed so much as a tear.  I did that already.

My plan – today – is to try ONE LAST TIME.  I will possibly do IVF so that the best embryo can be selected and now that we know Oestrogen is the answer to my lining issue I think I stand a very good chance of getting pregnant again.  As for staying pregnant – well that remains to be seen.

Always trust your gut.. (8w1d)

I went to my Ob on Tuesday.  I had to wait an hour and a half to get in.  My bladder was bursting – and that was after going three times ‘to let a bit out’.  By the time I got in I had no doubt it would be bad news and told him so.  He said he hoped ‘it wouldn’t be another character building exercise’.  Immediately on the scan I saw Twin A quite a bit larger and clearer than at the scan I’d had 5 days before but it was equally clear that there was no heartbeat.  He measured 7w1d.  In the background, quite a bit smaller was Twin B who strangely was still with us.  His heartbeat had dropped to 100bpm and he still measured 6w1d.  The mood swing I had had on Saturday combined with the cramping made sense now.

I felt so relieved to finally ‘know’ The bad news was so much easier to bear than the dread of it.

So now I wait.  To see if a miracle happens and baby B pulls through.  The odds are not in his favour and now, 4 days later I have no sign that he has made it other than my lack of bleeding.  Given my two previous miscarriages at later dates with no bleeding this offers me little comfort.

For the sake of my sanity I will call on Monday to try to bring my appointment forward

What a Rollercoaster

I thought that the best way to deal with my ‘lack’ of symptoms and set things to rest was to go for a scan.  My GP gave me a referral but I couldn’t get in for two weeks!  By then I would have seen my Ob and it would be unnecessary.  I finally found a place – at the back of beyond – that could do it for me last Thursday.  The day of the scan I was so nervous and quite queasy (Yay!).  When she positioned the screen so I could see what was going on I almost looked away.

After a bit of fumbling she said “We have two sacs” and then ” We have two babies”  I was very taken aback.  Who is pregnant with twins for fuck’s sake and has NO symptoms!!!  She did find a heartbeat for both Baby A was 142bpm and Baby B 139bpm.  

A bit about foetal heart rates:

Normal heart rate at 6 weeks is 90-113 bpm and at 9 weeks is 144-170 bpm. At 5-8 weeks a bradycardia (<90 bpm) is associated with a high risk of spontaneous abortion of some 80%.

I was briefly excited and so very very surprised.  Then she said they were measuring 6weeks 3 days.

I came crashing down.

I knew without shadow of a doubt that I was 7 weeks 3 days.  Something was wrong just as I suspected.  My btetas – previously high for a single – were now low for twins and the reduced doubling rate couldn’t be explained away by the higher numbers.

I have had many reassurances that it’s common to measure behind and sometimes the scan is inaccurate but I know today that all is lost.  Since the scan I once again have had a loss of all symptoms.  My breasts are barely tender.  I have no nausea and most telling of all no full feeling in my uterus.  At 8 weeks tomorrow and pregnant with twins I would have to feel something somewhere.  My pants feel looser today. 

The Ob is on Tuesday.  I feel strongly that the appointment will be to organise a D&C.

I am already planning my next move – it’s the only way I know to get through.  If DH agrees I will give one more shot with IVF where the best Embryos can be selected.  Hopefully the D&C will help to rectify my uterine lining issues as it was suggested as a possible fix a year ago.

 I can only expect the worst and hope for the best either way.

I would so love to have had twins

How do you define insanity?

Last night after yet another completely symptom free day I decided to stop my Progesterone.  I had gone to the Dr that morning for a repeat Beta but the result was late.  She agreed with me that it sounded like a Blighted Ovum.  Notice no health professional has tried to talk me into this pregnancy yet…

 

Result came back today 2493.  I am officially gobsmacked.  This is progressing as it should.

First beta 14/15dpo 205

Second 17/18dpo 475 – doubling time 59.39hrs

Third 22/23dpo 2493 – doubling time 50.17hrs (ideally in 80% of successfull pregnancies betas will double every 48 – 72hrs

I can’t handle it.

Today I’m sad.  I have cried and cried.  I’m so sure this isn’t going to work.  I still have no symptoms.  I feel COMPLETELY NORMAL and I’m sick of my few well meaning friends who know telling me I’m paranoid and it will be ok.  I haven’t told Mum because I wanted to save the news for when I’m sure.  I don’t think that day will come.  I should get another beta tomorrow so I can at least stop taking the progesterone.  My tests have stopped getting darker.

22dpo

this was 18dpo

Silver Lining

Well it looks like it’s all over.  I haven’t felt comfortable with this pregnancy since I found out about it because it was so vague.  Late symptoms and low Beta – 54.  I tried to rationalise that it may be a ‘late implanter’ but I suspect that the line I got at 8dpo after the time limit was not an evap after all.

This morning I feel ‘normal’ and my temp is dropping so it looks like it’s over.  I am OK.  I have my silver lining – I CAN GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN!

So it’s  back to the drawing board – with my new friend Estrogen of course   And hopefully the new year will bring us something nice.