Back to normal

Today I tested although I knew the result would be BFN – which is was.  I am so completely back to normal that I harbour no illusions that it is ‘just too early’  I feel quite excited at the prospect of a month off for the first time since January ‘07, although it will be a month with some sort of procedure included I’m sure.  I summed up my options with my good friend D this morning:

• See Dr M to set in motion the FET for December
• Wait to see Dr T on Nov 7th which is a bit late if I do a D&C assuming Dr T’s estrogen receptor theory from 6 months ago
• See D’s boss, Dr S for a second opinion and D&C although she will get me a second opinion anyway because he’s a good guy
• Do another stim cycle in a month
• Ask for estrogen for either the stim or the FET
• Arrange an HSG – although it would be unlikely to get a 9mm lining with adhesions
• See Dr M for him to get me in earlier with Dr T- oh lordy

My feeling is still that my lining is to blame.  I realise that it shouldn’t be expected for IVF to work immediately but the way in which I felt it fail adds evidence that the embryo is not at fault.  I have no doubt that for two days I was actually pregnant and the embryo was implanting.  I had the pregnancy fatigue.  The sort that makes you feel drugged, not just that you had a late night.  Then, suddenly, it lifted, I crashed and now completely normal.  No more full feeling, no more frequent urination, no more tender boobs, no more hope.

I have moments of clarity like this often, and then I listen to people, and I get sucked in, and I waste time.  No more!  I’m going to trust my gut and get this thing sorted.  I’m going to get me a baby!!!

I also have to consider the finances.  If I squeeze another cycle in this year I will be over the safety net and potentially save myslf about $1500.  Either way I have no time to waste.

Hormonal ramblings – 4dp5dt

Hmmmm.  Maybe a bit of an overreaction yesterday (insert blushing emoticon here)  I must be hormonal – go figure.  Although, in my defense I’ve never been wrong before.  But still, I am holding on to a thin thread of hope.  Mind you I’d bite your head off as quick as look at you today so that doesn’t bode well

It’s booked

My appointment is on the 7th November but I’ll try to see if I can get an earlier cancellation.  I figure I have a month off before the earliest I can do my FET.  Time enough to have another D&C if necessary.   I may as well do something proactive.  

I feel better already, kind of calm and accepting and, as always, eternally grateful for what I already have!!!!!

Not good – 3dp5dt

I woke up at 4:30am this morning and balled my eyes out.  I felt teary before I went to bed, but this was full on sadness.  I know I’m not pregnant and given the quality of the embryo it confirms that my uterus is to blame.  I should have trusted myself and ignored the doctors six months ago and had things looked at.  I guess after two Caesareans and two D&C’s after 12 weeks pregnancy, it’s taken quite a hammering.  Now I just feel tired … and sad, and I miss my Dad.  I must confess that I didn’t realise it would hit me this hard.  I’m gutted, although I’m sure the Crinone is playing it’s part.   I literally felt the moment when it all failed – just like I have several other months.  The two days after transfer I felt incredibly tired.  I had to nap each afternoon and I felt the ‘full’ feeling in my uterus I remember from previous pregnancies.  I could feel the hormone crash start last night when I wnt to bed and it hit me full on in the early hours.  This morning my uterus feels back to normal – as do I.  The IVF did nothing other than reassure me that my eggs are not to blame.  It got me no closer at all.  Each month -8dpo- I know it’s over.

It all makes me stop and think about women that do this for years in pursuit of their first child.  I am totally in awe. Their strength and courage is amazing.  

I will phone my Obgyn today for an appointment.  I want an HSG.  I have to give my frosties a fighting chance after all.  If only I’d done this first and refused to listen to the ‘old egg’ argument.

Self preservation.

I am a negative Nelly.  Not a test – I’m not that crazy although the thought did occur to me, but this morning I feel very pessimistic.  Also, as anticipated I now wish I’d made them transfer two.  I’ve already decided that if I do a FET I want both thawed and transferred and I want some Estrogen!!!  I don’t feel I can move on with those little frosties in the wings…

Well, it’s done.

My day started really well.  Mum came and picked the boys up – it’s school holidays – and then I went to Acupuncture.  I could really feel things happening.  Then it was off to my transfer.  I got a parking spot right out the front which never happens.  They kept me waiting for a while.  I spoke to the Embryologist who said they now had a front runner – an expanded blastocyst – that they had chosen to transfer.  The other little fella will be frozen today and his mate tomorrow if he makes it to blast.

A bit more of a wait and I went in.  I was the only transfer they had this afternoon so things were pretty relaxed.  Dr M is sooo good at what he does I barely felt uncomfortable.  A bit of a wait once they put the catheter in and it was all over.  I stayed lying down for half an hour then I was on my way.  Next stop Acupuncture again for another 45 minutes lying down.

I came home, had something to eat and (shock horror) fell asleep.

The wait begins!!

Decisions, decisions…

I spoke to Embryology and my transfer is booked for 11:15am tomorrow.  Now I am really agonising over how many to ask to be transferred.  My Dr will likely want only one but given my ‘lining issues’ I can’t see how this is increasing my chances.  Having said that if one works there is all likelihood both would and given my miscarriage history I don’t want to jeopardise things there either.  It is a really tough decision.

I think I will go with one.

I have Acupuncture booked for before and afterwards.  Here we go….

Grow little embies

Things are still looking good with two at 8 cells and one at 6 cells.  I’m still not getting excited.  I never thought I suddenly had old eggs.  I thought something else was preventing me from getting pregnant.  I so hope that they are right – which gives this a fighting chance – and I am wrong.  If I am right we will make it to Blast and it will all flop anyway with implantation failure.  I must confess time is starting to drag a little

Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy…

I am grumpy.  I assume this is hormonal, but then maybe it’s just me.  Either way I’ve had a pretty easy run of it, so I’m trying to control myself and not take it out on everyone else.

Spoke to the Embryologist today.  All three embryos are level pegging and all are at text book 4 cell stage.  We are scheduled for a Blastocyst transfer on Tuesday. Of corse I know that this is really hoping for a lot and chances are they won’t make it.   If they do I will go into battle with Dr M over the number to transfer.  I want to transfer 2 as if my eggs are so great then it’s reigniting my lining issue and this is the only way I see of actually increasing an implantation chance.  A lot will depend on the quality on the day. Nearly everything I have read has said that it is standard practice to put at least two back for over 38 – I’m closer to 42!!!!

The day after

I’m feeling quite achey today but it seems that the virus is finally gone – or has ‘it’ been helped on it’s way by the IVF Doxycycline??  I am also quite apprehensive about phoning this afternoon for results.  Hopeful doesn’t really enter into my TTC world these days and I’ve been careful to be suitably pessimistic about the IVF.  I guess I can’t help but hope just a bit…

Well, we have 3 out of 3 fertilised.  This changes my perspective completely.  I mean, these could be actual babies!!